he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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