I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
