Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
