She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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