a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You ruined the universe
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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