i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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