I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
