just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you mean i was at the winter classic?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
