im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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