Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
