WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Randomize
