Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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