I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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