im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
