dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
BRING THE BAGELS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
