He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
