just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
