I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
