yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
