I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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