if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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