Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
