My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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