I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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