omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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