The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
