Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Your cock deserves a montage
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
