So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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