Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
