I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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