My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
