Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
