this beer tastes like vomit already
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
