Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
