I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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