This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You ruined the universe
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
