Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
