I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
