And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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