Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
