Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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