she woke up with a sticky ear
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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