I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
