I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
