I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
