woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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