girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
