Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize