there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
