WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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