I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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