I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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