I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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