My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
