well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
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I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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